There was always something deeply motivating for me in working with clients who were stuck. Across the room, I can feel a deep sense of helplessness as if life were more or less happening to them rather than for them. I think, to some degree, this hit at my eternal optimism that every person has the inner strength and capability to control their life, and that, with the right help, this can be found (as evidenced by my honours thesis, which mainly focused on locus of control). So, as any helper would, I started looking at the reasons my clients were stuck.

One thing that stood out glaringly from a behavioural perspective was how individuals with a sense of hopelessness and demoralisation related to other people. They would often act in a submissive, quite indifferent, easy-going or dutiful manner – even when treated with disrespect or asked to do outlandish things. The primary aim seemed to always be to act as a sort of mirror for what the person in front of them may want, rather than being truly authentic. It was a need to please in order to be put at ease.

What is People Pleasing?

People pleasing or passivity is the failure to vocalise needs, boundaries, preferences and opinions and putting the other person's feelings and wants above your own, out of fear that the other person will react negatively.

Commonly, the biggest emotions associated with people pleasing that people want to avoid are:

1. Fear: People will react negatively, may criticise, leave, or hurt me if I don’t please them.

2. Guilt: If I get my way, I am a selfish/bad person.

3. Shame: Others are more worthy/important/better than me.

Why This Matters

I cannot emphasise how much working on passivity or people pleasing actually matters. I think I could honestly write a thesis on this section, and there may be some utility in doing so, given I don’t think it is highlighted nearly enough due to a multitude of factors (culture, familial beliefs, misconceptions, etc.). 

However, before I proceed, I want to be very clear that I understand passivity and people pleasing are learned responses that were once helpful and, in many cases, reasonably necessary. In the context of family abuse, institutional hierarchies and personal relationships, people pleasing is often vital to avoid serious abuse (fawning to reduce abusers’ consequences). Beyond this, I also understand that culturally and societally, people pleasing behaviours are largely encouraged and reinforced in children (“don’t back chat”, “you don’t get a say – you’re a child”, “respect your elders”) and in particular, in the school system (“teacher always knows best”, “you can’t go to the toilet,” etc.). However, like many learned behaviours that were once adaptive, this behaviour fails to change even when in new situations where it's no longer needed. In fact, when overused and no longer helpful, it can have the opposite effect, reinforcing old patterns and keeping you stuck. 

First, it is helpful to understand how people pleasing is a highway to burnout. Without clear boundaries or a voice, we are destined to take on too much. This can range from small requests (“Can you give me a lift to the shops?”) to unreasonable demands (“I need you to skip work and take care of me”). Over time, the people pleaser becomes tired, burnt out, helpless, resentful, and the only one who isn’t pleased. 

Resentment appears to be the emotional consequence of people pleasing. Doing everything and receiving nothing in return gradually builds frustration, as compliance or pleasing isn’t reciprocated, appreciated or acknowledged. The people pleaser gets the sense that their time, energy, and effort really don’t matter (to both the people pleaser and the people pleased). Add a double dose of self-hatred fuelled by a sense of abandonment towards oneself, and the people pleaser is left with a cocktail of anger and shame that is often directed at themselves and eventually at the person they are trying to please (or no longer). Resentment then causes chaos in the very relationship trying to be maintained, as irritability, withdrawal, passive aggressivity and self-resentment push the relationship to a breaking point. 

Further in the realm of relationship dynamics, people pleasing seems to remove perhaps the primary building block of healthy relationships: open communication. Genuine, authentic and honest communication is absolutely paramount in shaping and maintaining a relationship. I cannot count how many clients I have consulted who have told me that every want that has not been met, every need they constantly crave, or every boundary that has been violated has not been voiced to their friends, partner or family because “they should just know”. Simply put, people cannot read our minds. If we are not okay with something and do not say so, others cannot be expected to understand our boundaries, needs and wants. 

I am a massive advocate for “teach people how to love us”, and I can think of no greater gift than providing a partner or friend with a roadmap on how I would like to be treated. Failure to do so leaves the other person guessing, playing a massive game of guess who, and in a world where we are all so unique, this strategy is akin to a wish or a prayer. In fact, withholding the truth (or merely being dishonest) is often a selfish, destructive habit, even when it stems from good intentions. Whether it involves staying with someone for years after you've fallen out of love or allowing them to continue annoying behaviours they could easily fix with a simple mention, it warps reality in a way that frequently pushes problems into the future when they are beyond repair. 

In the context of relationships, people pleasing can lead to relationships based on what someone gets from you, rather than genuine mutual care. In simple terms, ‘loved’ for what you do and not who you are. For example, lets say that every time you see me I provide you with a shower of compliments. While it may be nice to hear, you don’t actually get to experience me as an autonomous person but rather a giver of compliments. This in turn commonly lowers respect, as I am trying to win/buy/earn your love through action rather than authentic connection. From a personal point the people pleaser might start to associate their “value” with the praise they receive, rather than with who they truly are. This creates a sort of approval seeking addiction that needs topping up and consistency of pleasing.  Relationships built this way can feel safe on the surface, but they’re fragile and depend on constant approval and performance. When the compliments stop the relationship may feel threatened as the condition in which the relationship was formed upon is no longer given. True connection comes from being seen and accepted for your authentic self, not just the things you do to earn love. If love has to be earned through blind compliance, constant acts of service, or self-sacrifice, that’s manipulation, not love.

In terms of future relationships, people pleasers are like prey to others who can smell the opportunity to take advantage of the helpless pleaser. While it is a nice eutopia to be loved unconditionally rather than what you can provide it is important to mention that for some they want a relationship built on control and blind compliance. This is why people pleasers often find themselves targeted by such individuals leading to a recurring cycle of one-sided relationships and commonly abuse. 

When it comes to the self, people pleasing seems to erode the core of a person’s identity. For example, I love it when I am asked to do an assessment at a primary school. I find myself struggling at times to keep a straight face as I observe the wit, humour, authenticity, and variety of personalities among all the little humans who seem to float around without any filter or inhibition. I believe one of the biggest shames (or robberies) of childhood is how this sort of natural variation can sometimes be shamed, criticised, or beaten out of kids as they become compliant or blunted in order to be self-protective. Hiding true thoughts, feelings, preferences, and boundaries, we lose sight of what we want and who we are. After playing a character for what another wants for so long, we just lose complete track of what were once our goals, dreams, and ambitions for ourselves, leading to a lack of motivation, helplessness, and nihilism.   

Lastly, chronic or passivity leaves you like a deer in headlights when it comes to conflict. Honestly, you find yourself stuck in a situation where emotion is overwhelming, and you lack the tools to climb out of the hole you've fallen into. As a result, conflict becomes something you avoid entirely, and over time, this reinforces the belief that your voice doesn’t matter and that you can’t handle yourself, leaving you trapped in a cycle of compliance and silent frustration. Even minor disagreements will feel overwhelming, and your instinct is to comply at all costs rather than risk confrontation. This leaves us completely vulnerable to control and blocks our autonomy.

What Can Be Done / How Therapy Helps

The good news is people pleasing is very much changeable, with the targets of intervention being very much dependent on the area that is blocking such behaviour. Communication skills are taught, modelled and practised in order to understand what to say and perhaps more importantly how to say it. 

If a belief is maintaining passive behaviour (“other people are more important than me”) or blocking assertiveness (“that will make me mean”), then exploring and altering such beliefs can open the gateway to change. 

Psychological intervention can be very effective at removing such barriers by using evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Schema Therapy. Therapy is particularly helpful in the case of people pleasing being formed from significant trauma, abuse and developmental influences, which result in emotions blocking the ability to set healthy boundaries. Furthermore, therapy can help reconnect with personal wants, needs and boundaries, learn to remove ourselves from toxic and problematic relationships and heighten self-worth, which contributes to reducing people pleasing tendencies.

Begin Your Next Step

At Elevare Psychology and Wellbeing, our work is designed through connection, progress and purpose. We focus on helping you understand and improve your assertiveness skills in order to foster healthy sense of self and relationships. 

If you’re ready to explore how to improve standing up for your right to be treated with respect, we’re here to help.

Book an appointment with Elevare Psychology and Wellbeing and take the next step toward seeing yourself and your world more clearly.